When was the last time someone said an unrealistic, out-of-place thing about you and you stood dumbfounded by the sheer shock of how people's imaginations can escalate? Adding to the final touch was a slight attack, an almost criminal blow on your character and morals, a sharp intrusion into your privacy and personal settings.
Done, now we are pissed for the day. Read further if you want to delve further into a less noticed aspect of our daily lives that affects how we perform, think, feel and perhaps.. sleep.
Where it happens:
Classrooms, boardrooms, stage, workplace, home, social media and social gatherings.
How often it happens:
If you are in a place full of people and you interact with people very often, like a college or workplace, it could happen every 3-6 hours, peak time or sometimes every 24 hours in the ebb. ( I made that estimate myself using no statistical tools..you have the right to criticize me)
Why it happens:
Some people want to have a say in everything or just like laughing to their own jokes or watch too much Netflix or may be they use opining to re-construct something they didn't see inorder to sharpen their REASONING SKILLS. They can't improve. So they improvise
.
_____________________________________________________________________________
UNFAIR criticism differs from positive and negative criticism by a FAIR proportion.
"Hey, your presentation or performance was not up to the mark, it was much less than what you are capable of" is positive criticism.
"Your presentation was as much badly designed as you" is negative criticism.
"You performed badly because you are taking pills for insomnia, it shows on your face" is BS in colloquial terms or UNFAIR CRITICISM.
UNFAIR criticism is exactly what it is. It has NO basis on facts and is an empty pot. It is just a speculative opinion nobody is SURE of but said out loud. Probably out of jealousy or hatred or a shallow mind.
Are all unfair critics.. bullies?
No. You can say an unfair thing, mistakenly. The right thing to do would be to apologize and ask for clarification on the idea. There are some Chronic Unfair Critics or CUCs ( I named them), all they can do is blow the smallest clue to Hollywood proportion.
What if you have never said anything hurtful, all your life?
These type of people are never alone but rare. These are people who carefully peruse each word they say and predict the after-effects of it 10 days into the future. They are excellent motivators (if you practice being one) and empaths.
Sounds like you? Unfortunately though, you can't remember the last time, you pissed someone off .You may have wondered why you don't ask people uncomfortable questions. You would have pondered over the possibility that you were too naive or weak to not be able to get over this. Simple.They are Bullies and you are not. You may be sensitive and empathetic enough to imagine being in someone else's shoes. They can't do that or find being nice boring they are in a way passive bullying, using words. And just because physical abuse isn't used, it isn't by any means anything NORMAL. By passive we mean they are not as a language a direct intimidation but an indirect attack on your morale.
Before we delve into depressive contemplation let us look at what science and statistics have to say:
" Bullies have no social skills. " Writes this article in psychology in action
:https://www.psychologyinaction.org/psychology-in-action-1/2014/06/19/bullying-fact-or-fiction
Which explains that the inability to see that, saying something inappropriate without factual backing, is not how normal social exchanges work and IS A SERIOUS HANDICAP if it is done repeatedly . SO IF YOU ARE BULLYING, WITH NO APPARENT REASON LIKE SELF DEFENSE, YOU ARE .....well.. behaving..inappropriate.
The WHY of the discussion should eventually lead to the HOW TO of it.
Most people skills and communicative skills veterans say two things on dealing with unfair criticism
The skimmed idea:
Either choose to completely ignore the problem if it happens only once.
If it happens at a time where if you don't prove it wrong, it is going to affect your work or reputation, ACT on it. ONE STEP at a time. Look unoffended. Do not jump into argument. Instead, make the person speak more on it. Ask more questions. Keep asking for clarification until they get to the point where it is revealed that this opinion was fabricated or imagined and not based on facts.
If this is happening in a room full of people.
Use tools like " When did you hear about this?", "So you thought this way just because you observed ABC?", " How can you be sure of what you are saying?", " Can you prove your claim?", "Can you present more evidence?". It is important to remain and look calm or it will look like you are trying to argue. It is important to only speak to the critic and not make everyone take his side.The idea here is toreveal his true intention and win the opinion of others.
In individual setting:
If they keep mocking you, get their attention by saying "I heard something about you too" or say something uncomfortable like "From the look of your shoes, you must have walked all the way from home", so they settle down to pause and taste their own craft.
You normally don't do such things because you don't like to make enemies. But it is no time to be passive- defensive. You lose this opportunity to shape everyone's opinion, things may not work in your favor later. You can't always be nice and feel great about it later. the ambushed moments will keep haunting you and affect self-esteem. Better safe than sorry.
We are all learning.
Love and Light.
More reads on dealing with criticism:
https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/UnfairCriticism.htm
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-athletes-way/201512/5-polite-ways-disarm-rude-people